Chapter 14 – To The Zen-Mobile

Schlomo, Johnny Ace, and I, hopped into my Dodge Ram 1990. The fellas and I knew it as The Zen-Mobile, my wife referred to it as “That piece of shit.
We drove from Steve’s empty apartment in Bed-Stuy to the Hipster section of Williamsburg. Along the way, the pedestrians in every neighborhood refused to pay attention to traffic. In Bed Stuy, we had to wait till the teenagers whose pants were falling down, could hobble across the street, In the Hasidic Community we had to put on the breaks as a woman with four kids used her stroller as a way to stop traffic.”
Johnny Aces honked the horn,”How can you push children right into traffic.
Schlomo said”God will protect her.”
I laughed.
“I wasn’t kidding,” Schlomo said. I could smell the pork from the dumplings on his breath.
“Schlomo, before you go to your Rabbinical group, you may want to gargle.”
“Whenever I eat pork, I want to fuck the Rabbi’s wife. I want to leave my pork breath on her titties and her cunt. I want my pork cum to..”
I covered my ears,”That’s enough. I can’t handle what the msg in Chinese food does to you. No more eggrolls for you.”
Schlomo looked like he was going to cry.

Finally, we were in the horrible landscape of Hipster
Williamsburg…
Johnny had to put on the breaks, almost tapping the tall skinny girl who didn’t even flinch. She wore Cowboy boots and a mini skirt.
I screamed out the window,”I’m driving here! You are not in the woods here.”
“Stop yelling at her,” Johnny said.
“What is the matter with you. That piece of shit almost damaged the Zen-Mobile… What, what is it, you wanna fuck her. You wanna fuck every piece of shit that walks on the street Johnny.”
“Easy,” Schlomo. Didn’t you recognize that girl?”
“No, who is that?”
“That is Steve’s wanna be girlfriend. That’s that chick Wilma, he wants to fuck really bad. Maybe she knows what happened to Steve.”
We hopped out of The Zen-Mobile and tried to get Wilma to take her I-Pod off her head. She refused. Johnny kissed her some deep disturbing kiss.
Schlomo said,”Clearly, he knows her.”
They went off together.
Schlomo and I waited on the curb as Johnny Aces and Wilma went who knows where to do who knows what.
“You think Johnny will get any information about Steve out of her?” I asked.
Schlomo said,”I don’t know if he’ll remember or care… This might take awhile. Maybe we should map out the holiday schedule for Murder Tours Incorporated.”
“Yeah, we might be here two minutes.”
Schlomo said,”Has anyone looked under the hood of the Zen-Mobile? Do we need fluids? When was the last time anyone put gas in this piece of shit?”
“Don’t call the Zen-Mobile a piece of shit. It hurts my feelings… I’m assuming that Johnny takes care of the car. Isn’t that his responsibility as driver of our tour company?”
“Who knows?”
“Now, I’m more nervous about the Van then I am about Steve.”
What could have happened to Steve? He’s fine,”Schlomo said assuringly as he lifted his hand to the air in a sign of strength.
“Steve is not fine,” Johnny said zipping up his pants. The kid was stripped of his tattoos. They peeled his tattoos and sewed it onto some Preacher in Staten Island.”
We hopped into the Zen-Mobile and I said,”Where are we going.”
“We are going to the hospital and then to Staten Island.”
“We might need to stop to get gas,” Schlomo said.
“And maybe to check to see if there is an engine under the hood,”I added